This is yet another one of those other millions of journals saying goodbye and going sentimental and dramatic that willl pop up in your inbox. Feel free to ignore; I only need to vent out the goodbye.
Anyway...I'm quite speechless and, at the same time, with a thousand things to say.
The first time I knew about My Chemical Romance...was around 2006/2007. I was around 10 years old. I usually spent the time at my brother's room, and he usually had the TV on MTV as this programme where they played the most wanted 10 musical videos of the week.
Every day and week, between the first places, there was this song that I loved. I liked the singer as soon as I saw him, even if I was a child; 'he's not ugly', I remember I thought because I was too shy to say 'He's handsome'. He was this vampire-like pale guy of black hair that sang in a church, whose girlfriend (or so it seemed at the time) had died and it was her funeral.
Then, another video joined after some weeks. I didn't recognize the face, but sure I did with the voice and the guitarist of curly hair; this time, it was a man dressed in a black uniform leading a parade. I fell in love with the song.
But enough about how I met the band. This is meant to be a goodybe, not a storm of memories.
MCR has meant...a lot to me. If it were not for them, I wouldn't have met one of my many passions in life; writing. I admit I began with bandslash but...I've also written things related to them that goes out of my like for bandslash. Thanks to them, I started writing; i started improving. I never stopped and I don't think I will for the same reason; because since I started, I found a passion in it that's strong enough to lead me to where I am today.
An amateur writer with the dream of publishing a book. All thanks to starting here on devA. And I started, thanks to MCR.
They eventually grew as my inspiration. I went through very dark times, between my latest years of childhood and beginning my teenage ages; it might sound like somebody between 10 years and 14 can't have strong problems, but...one never knows. I don't think my life was awful; there's people who go through more harsh things than me but...I guess this was my amount of pain the world had planned for me.
I had very dark times where my enemies were my friends only not to be left alone. Where my family turned their back on me. Where something called bullying started, as well as some other problems not worth recalling (seeing as this is a goodbye and not a rant of myself), and where I started going numb in life to the point I had unconscious, really unconscious thoughts of reaching what's further death, if you get me.
But then, a friend reminded me of something by asking me 'Hey, do you know this song? It's cool' and lending me her earphones that were playing a song. And I, for the first time in between the first dark months of that part of my life, smiled with honesty; it was the song of the vampire guy and his dead girlfriend.
I grew addicted to the few songs I knew of them. Then, thanks to curiosity, I downloaded a new one. I liked it. I gave another one a shot. The same. I tried with yet another one and so on and on and, before I could realize, I had the whole albums already in my cell phone.
I started knowing them better. The story of the band. The names of the band members. The lyrics. I didn't need anymore of friends that were not really my friends because I could smile whenever I listened to My Chemical Romance. I could carry on. I could avoid self-hamr before even starting it. And I, curiously, started smiling every now and then without forcing it, and the thoughts of what was further deathw ere slowly leaving me.
I started writing. I grew addicted to them. All I would talk with a friend was them. All I could do was to fangirl over anything. Watch interviews and concerts, and wait for them to, one day, come to my country so I could see them live and, with my fangirl daydreaming, expecting to be in the front row so they could pull me onstage.
They didn't save my life but they helped me in my roughest times. I was pushed down and, without knowing me personally, they stopped in their way, leaned down and offered me a hand, smiling. And I was able to take it and be pulled back up on my feet, and even if they let go of my hand once they pulled me up, I was able to walk behind them, following them because...because every time I fell down again, they could always stop, turn around, pull me back up and continue the way.
I dreamt of becoming a musician. I dreamt of, one day, share the stage with them, who would already have wrinkles all over their faces and grey hair on top of their heads. I dream of having in my hands even more albums to all four of which I already owned. Not only was I able to stand up when I fall down; I could taste what music felt like, I decided my future, I was able to make friends and know people who have changed my life so far, my writing started and improved, my english improved like hell, my imagination broke free from the cage, and a thousand things more.
When I DID try self-harm, even though I couldn't stop for a couple months, I never did anything TOO dangerous to myself...thanks to them. Whenever I would have the razor blade against my wrist, I'd think of them. Of any of their songs. And, mainly, of all the things they've gone through, and of all the things they've said about wanting the best for us, to carry on, to do this, to do that, not to care about this, to remember that...and the razor moved from my wrist to my forearm. The scars are still there. But I'm happy they're drawn on my skin and not my veins.
I had an obsession with them. The good kind, not the psycho one, haha. I saw them like idols and role-models. And...like big brothers. I had a tough time with my older brother back then...he would beat me up, he would insult me until making me cry, and some of his words still haunt me today. I would cry for the bruises he left in me, and for the mental breakdowns he caused. I felt a huge jealousy and envy for the Way brothers, because they had the most pure, big, honest and sweetest sibling love I have ever known about, while I suffered with my own brother.
But only reading what they said, hearing them, it all made me feel comforted. Like they pushed my brother away, saying 'Fuck off! A younger brother must be treated like this!' and they (more especifically Gerard, as he's the older brother) would hug me, cuddle me and tell me everything would be alright, and that I had to smile.
Eventually, my favorite band changed. But I never forgot about MCR. They were my 2nd favorite, and still one of the biggest inspirations I've ever had. I've looked up at them like I don't even do with some of my relatives (long story about my relationship with them). I drew them, I wrote about them, I took my guitar because of them, and I could always feel free to head-bang, play my air guitar or drums, and simply go crazy with their songs.
My grandmother passed away on December the fourth. Due to cancer. And, since then, I can't listen to their song Cancer the same way. At first, it made me cry rivers by remembering about my grandmother and the massive pain she went through during her last months of life. But now...it somehow makes me feel alive. It feels like a dagger crossing my chest but...that pain helps me to know I'm alive. And like that one, there are many other songs that get to me. That break my heart. That make me cry. That make me smile. Everything.
And now...it's come to an end. I was in denial the past 2 days. At first, I expected for it to have been a hacker in the page. Then, from all the rumors, I expected for it to have been about legal problems and that they would start a whole new band, and that that was what they meant with 'No more MCR, sorry'. I felt very, very upset. Angry. Sad. Frustrated that they left us with a five line paragraph. Sad that they broke-up. Angry that they didn't giveu s a reason. But...happy. Happy because...they let go of something they love to carry on with something new.
Because they would be free of harrassment and idiot fangirls/boys that would hate over them massively. Because they could be more with their families. And simply; because they would not feel forced to something they couldn't do anymore. If I don't find fun or love in what I'm doing, doing it only harms me. Maybe it didn't feel the same than before for them. and that's why I respect their decision.
But it still hurts. It hurts to leave all these years shared with them behidn. It deeply hurts me to see they are breaking through different ways, and to see what they must be going through at the moment. Part of me still believes in the rumors...but Gerard's tweet is what caused my sadness, tears and this rant.
But I guess I should accept the goodbye. If they come back someday (don't get your hopes up, I'm not sure about it either) with a new name, new record label or anything...I don't know. I only know that if they do, I'll be the happies person ever but...they are they. MCR...was MCR. And it's done. This goodbye doesn't go personally to Ray, Bob, Matt, Mikey, Frank or Gerard...because, I don't know...maybe, possibly, one day in the future I'll know something about them, even if it's about separate projects. But THE MCR...won't come back.
That's why I thank to MCR all the happiness given to me. Even if you didn't save my life, you sure helped me a lot through it. Thanks to you, I'm here. I'm holding onto a dream and goal I still promise to get. I'm having a second dream as a writer , even if I'm still amateur, thanks to you, because if it hadn't been thanks to MCR, I wouldn't have tried writing before.
I'm thankful for all the funny moments and all the laughter with videos and interviews, for LOTMS and TBPID. All the laughs I gave, all the 'Aaw's I did watching them, all the joy, the excitement, the tears I could vent out thanks to you, the sadness that could have driven me to extreme thigns if it weren't for you...
I want to thank all the strength they gave. All the courage. All the imagination. All the support.
(This is a long thingie I just wrote for MCR. Skip if you want, until the last lines if you please)
I will notice your corpse in the bed.
When you go, just know that I will remember you.
I'll wear you on my slave, and you've given me a reason to believe.
We're all dead now, but I try...
Way down, I'll stay up.
I won't stop if you fall, now that you just did, and I won't stop, I'll bury you and will fade to black...
You've welcomed me to the Hotel Bella Muerte.
And all the things that you never ever told me, I'll respect them.
I'm not okay, I promise, but you showed me I will be.
Too much, too late or just not enough of this pain in my heart for your death.
I will carry you, bury you and marry you to the end.
If you were here I'd never have a fear, but i'll live my life...but I miss you more than I did yesterday.
This are better if I stay.
The only hope for me is you, but you've given me all the hope I needed already.
I'll give them blood.
Heaven will help us.
I hate your ending myself, but it had very alright scenes.
Teenagers scare the living shit out of you and me.
I'll kiss you goodnight, and I'll sleep.
We'll let the flames just bathe us, and when we go we won't return.
You've been a bad, bad, bad, bad man, and I was with you.
I'll give a cheer for all the broken.
I'll blow you a kiss before she goes.
Without you, is how I disappear.
Have you heard the news that you're dead? Many people loved you, anyway.
When I look at the mirror and don't like what I see, I know how you feel.
I don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree, all I want for Christmas is you.
We're not on this alone.
I'll let you breakt he awkward silence, and I'll let you go.
I don't blame you, and it's not your fault that no one ever does.
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling.
I will get you to the doctor, I will take you to a church.
I will keep my soul like a secret in my throat.
I will cry all I want to, even if you don't care how much.
We can drive to the hallway.
I'm trying to let you know how much it means...
I'll see your eyes.
I'll stand up fucking tall, I won't let them see my back, I'll take your fucking hand and I'll never be afraid again.
You left my heart an open wound.
Let's say goodbye the hundredth time and tomorrow we'll do it again.
No one will ever take me alive, I'll do what it takes to survive, 'cuz you're still here.
I'll be your detonator.
I want to change the world, but I don't wanna die.
I will run away with you, any time I want.
I'll sing it for the boys, for the girls, every time I lose it I will sing it for the world.
I'll sing from the heart.
I'll hide my body from the Scarecrow. I'll move my body when the sunlight dies.
I am a kid from yesterday, and your music breaks my heart.
I don't believe in God, I don't believe in luck, but I believe in you and our enemies.
Ain't nobody gonna take my life nor the best of me.
Gravity, won't mean to much to me, because I'm who I've got to me.
I'll kill the party with you and will never go home.
This time, I'll hold them back for you.
We'll party until the gasman comes.
I'll give you all I've got, because you can take it.
Sitting here with you in misery, Anybody wanna come and rescue me?!
We'll keep believing, so that you'll keep believing
You'll tell me about it when I fall in love, as soon as you get your gun.
And if I'll save your life, and if you ever let you down, you'll be the one driving me home tonight
I'll save you from your self destruction.
I'll remember this night when you're gone,
We surrender your heart,
I surrender every dream,
Every weapon you gave,
Every secret that I keep,
We can fight this all you want,
But tonight we lost it.
If we crash this time, They got machines to keep us alive
The hardest part of this is leaving you.
When you go, I'll have the guts to say...I still love you, like I did yesterday.
I'll never let them take...the light behind my eyes...
The world is ugly, but you are beautiful to us...
We'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone, believe me...we'll carry on.
I am not afraid to keep on living, and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
So long, and goodnight.
Thank you, MCR.
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Idunno09 : Forever a demolition lover that locks and loads, walking this world alone and looking alive.
Skin Made By
littleblackmariah
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